Alicia had been thinking of doing it for quite some time now. The thought had crossed her mind often before and every time the urge to end it all would be stronger than the last.She didn’t think of it much when it had just started. It had begun rather passively.
Alicia would be buying groceries and crossing the road on her way home thinking what if a car or perhaps a huge truck hit her right then. What an ugly death would it have been. But at least it would be peaceful after.Chop chop chop… what if she chopped off all her fingers instead of the onions right now and there would be blood everywhere and it would be dirty and disgusting. Could she die of the blood loss ? It would hurt a lot though. But what if someone came in before Alicia died, took her to the hospital and saved her life. That would be worse, she sighed promising herself she wouldn’t let her mind wander off to such thoughts again.
Alicia would be cooking dinner for her son and her husband thinking who would cook for them if she was not there. Would they miss her ? Or would they only miss her cooking ? Then her mind would drift away counting the people who would be affected by her death. Her husband ? His heart would shatter and how will he be able to take care of their son ? Perhaps he would marry someone, someone who deserved his love. But the thought of her son under some other woman’s care was beyond intolerable.
She knew she needed help but she couldn’t burden her husband with her mental state, not when he was working on some project he claimed to be the biggest and most important one for his business. “This project could make or break our company”, was what he had said when she has asked him why he has been working so late lately. He was a great husband and a greater father. She wondered how he managed to do it all, make time for just about everything in life when she being a housewife felt tired all the time and felt like she didn’t have enough time to do anything for herself.
Alicia was 23 when she got married and 25 when she found out about her pregnancy. Oh, how blessed she felt to hold her newborn babies in her arms. She never expected she would have twins but she had always wanted them. And holding their tiny fingers felt so wonderful that she thought she could go through those 9 months of pain and 43 hours of labor over and over again just to feel both of their tiny bodies against hers. She could go through it again and again and again if only it meant she could stop the doctors from saving her life instead of one of her child’s.
She was sitting on her bed holding a bottle of sleeping pills wondering how many of them would it take to put her into a never ending sleep. The bottle felt heavy in her hands. Maybe if she emptied it one by one and took them. She no longer would have to feel the burden anymore.
Alicia couldn’t do it though. She couldn’t make her child suffer the pain of losing his mother. She had to pretend she didn’t think of her dead baby whenever she looked at him. She had to pretend that everything was okay and it’s okay for her to be living. That she didn’t deserve to die.
So just like every other night, Alicia went to bed thinking that maybe tomorrow it’ll be alright knowing that it won’t.